Devin

08:15 am: Call for a little help!
If anyone has a spare couch or some semblance of a floor that I can crash on until friday I'd really appreciate it. I'm in the process of moving to my sisters which I can't do before friday, but I have to vacate this apt TONIGHT!!! Any one willing to help me out?

Thanks,
Devin

(631)901-8557
email: nytufstuff@aol.com

08:00 pm: This made me chuckle, so so true heh. Thanks JP ;)

If You Ruled the Land . . . by wackyweasel
Your first name:
How you gained your rule:	Military coup, of course! They never saw it coming . . .Walked in and took the throne while they were at lunchRightful heir!!Strategic poisoning . . .Mind controlAsked for it really nicely, 'pretty please'No idea . . .
Your title is:	Your Majesty - straight-up, no fuss
Your symbol is:	the unicorn - it's a horse, but improved!
You rule from:	a cloud castle - so fluffy . . .
At your side is:	your body double - hey, good lookin'!
Your enforcers, troops, and guards are all:	centaurs! They should NOT be so hot . . . oh well!
Your most popular law is:	Five-day weekends
Your least popular law is:	Banning of 'stupidity and laziness in the same person'
Your worst enemy is:	Ringo Starr, but you can't remember why . . .
Your popularity rating is:: 7%
Your chance of being overthrown is:: 11%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

02:10 pm: WTF...
She's back in love with her fucking ex....After every reassurance that she was over her, done with that, loved her but not IN love with her....Oh but wait she still loves me, still in love with me...WTF am I suppossed to do with that???????? I can't move, I can barely breathe, I am not functioning at all. And I don't know if it will be ok. that's my famous phrase isn't it? It will all be ok? FUCK THAT!!!!!!! I thought I knew her, I thought that this was just a lil jealousy that her ex was moving on, IN LOVE WITH HER, SHE'S FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HER. No more safety fucking net, thats what got her, no more fall back girl. And now here I sit, torturing myself, thinking about where I went wrong. And the funny part is I pushed her to fix her friendship with the ex. I was trying to help, and I helped myself right into this mess. This went from "she's so annoying", "I don't really want to hang out with her" to "I'm sorry but I fell back in love with her".......... Oh God it hurts so much. I'm dying inside, that sounds so fucking angsty and young, but I am. My heart hurts so much in my chest I can't breathe. I want to kidnap her and take her far away and show her that it's ME, ME ME ME that belongs with her.

So many broken promises: "I'm not going anywhere ever"
"Of course" (This was an answer to a very important question)
"Nothing could ever take me away from you"
"I'll never hurt you" (This wasn't just broken, it was smashed into dust) "I'll always want you"
"No matter what I love you for who you are"
"As long as you stay the same person the rest doesn't matter"(HA!)
this one kept me hanging on:
"Please Devin you saved me from more that you could ever know"

And my personal favorite, the one that is making my heart bleed:
"No one could ever love you the way I do"
Because I know this one to be true I want to fucking die. Right here. Maybe she'd be happy then. And then I wouldn't feel at all.

01:30 pm: I was tagged...
the rules are: once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with six weird things/habits/fun facts about yourself. after that, tag six other people by listing their names.

1. I can't stand toothpaste spit in the sink, things that are not symmetrical, crooked lines, and odd numbers, these things drive me absolutely nuts.
2. I absolutely hate my job but I'm a responsible man and won't quit til I find something better.
3. I hate when the hair on my neck grows in, which explains why I go a lil crazy when I need a haircut.
4. I am attracted to other transboys (if they are hot anyway)as well as women.
5. My brother and I share facial expressions, taste in movies and clothes, and taste in women. Basically he is me except biologically born male.
6. I don't like bread, sweets, or most fattening food, not by choice but because I really hate the taste.

I tag Allie, Nessa, Fish, Marz, TrinityVa, and Cheryl.

05:26 pm: YAY FOR COMPRESSION VESTS!!!!
I finally ordered a binder from underworks.com. The Extra Power Compression Vest. I'm so excited that I will finally be able to totally pass as male. The only thing that gives me away now is the certain amount of extra baggage connected to my chest lol. I can't wait WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

02:22 am: Karaoke
I love karaoke. Especially with Bill. Bill is great. One Song Glory is sooo my fucking song and rocking the retro 90s alternative rock with Eve 6's Inside Out. Kick Ass dude. Ok night night.

07:53 pm: Been a while so I'll do a Quick Update
Moving this saturday to stony brook, got engaged on new years eve, ummmm Very excited about both prospects, and happier than I've been in a very, very, very long time. Funny how you figure out that "The Girl" was never really "The" girl after all...just another exciting misadventure on the road to enlightenment. Now I've found "my lady" and that's all that matters.... although other complications arise from the split down my soul, ah well... Vive La Vie Boheme!!!!

Picture Update as well....


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09:58 pm: Brianna's B-day Pics and More
Ok So last night was Brianna's b-day bash... had a great time until some assholes who think they live in the "hood" decided to start throwing the word "faggot" around. Turned into an ugly bar brawl which we all high tailed out of before anybody in our group got hurt. Other than that though it was great times... pics from last night as well as a few from recent outings. AND CONGRATS TO BRIANNA WHO GOT EVERYTHING SHE WANTED FOR HER B-DAY... INCLUDING THE NEWEST ADDITION TO OUR 'FAMILY"...HER NEW GIRL KRIS!!!!





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08:48 pm: Handsome Pics
Ok so I decided to post pics of me I think I look good in. Yes i'm being a picture whore.


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08:25 pm: Go to Smoke, End up Rollin
LOL. It's funny sometimes the random things that happen. Thursday night I had to see "The Grrl" to get back my computer finally. It hurt about as much as I thought it would. What I figured would be 15 minutes turned into 3 hours. I learned some painful information during that time. It sucked. But I guess I got some closure out of it. Then Friday night ended up being a firelit smoke night complete with beer and silliness. Just what I needed to clear my head a bit. Then Saturday. WOW. Hund out with Allie and Brianna for dinner, went to Sam and Jen's to smoke. That turned into a 7 person E party. Rolled so hard and so intense I spent hours liplocked among other things with Allie. That was probably my most intense and most amazing roll I've ever taken. THANK YOU ALLIE! The Daddy became a baby boi that night. I know that's a shock. I've never done that before. It just seemed right at the time. And majorly intense. Weird. Anyways off to catch the train. Later!

03:51 pm: Bring On The Pain!
It's my birthday. I went to court for the final time today....WOOHOO it's all over!!! Incredible after 3 years of court battles all the suspensions and tickets are settled. Happy Birthday to me. I'm currently waiting for Brianna to get the hell out the shower cause I just got a haircut and I need to get the little prickly hairs off me before I go a little mad. OCD's a bitch. Then off to Lynda's for a pre party meet up with Shane, Colleen, Brianna, Lynda, and Lauren accompanying me to Ink Alternative to get a big needle shoved through my lip. I've been wanting this for a while so I'm all about BRINGING ON THE DAMN PAIN!!!Speaking of pain I realized what a demon I unleashed in Allie. And I have the claw marks to prove it. I guess just call me the Corruptor. Damn proud of that. Afterwards its gonna be a total blowout at the Phunky Phish. Pot, Whiskey, and open mic night. Will I play tonight? Depends on how much Jack I can handle first. Jack Daniels...as close to her as I can get right now...Oh wait did I say that out loud? I did. It's those eyes..they're so damn blue. And so damn haunting.

My conscience is not what it should be, and my heart not what it wishes it was. But it's my birthday. Sometimes miracles happen. Maybe mine will happen tonight. A TOAST TO THE YOUTH GONE WILD!

03:28 pm: Interesting How Life Throws you Curves, I caught This One And Threw Right Back
So So So. I have had such an amazing b-day so far...and it's not even until Tesday!!! Everyone came out Thursday night, Thanks so much to Jodi, Fish, Brianna, Colleeen, Lynda, Shane, Chrissy, and of course my grrl Allie for such a wonderful night. Karaoke was awesome, I got drunk, stoned, and laid, actually in that order so i'm really not complaining at all even though Fernando has spread the word that I'm a beast for going at it in the car. I managed to make the leap back into a relationship. Maybe it hasn't been long enough but we'll se what we will see. So I really like this girl Allie. Very down to earth, I've known her a long time, emopunk like me. She's not crazy femme, but she's definitely a girl so I'm hoping things work out. Friday night was also a blast with everyone who was there thursday night back again minus Shane, Lynda, and Allie (She was in VA) and plus my sister Melanie, Jennbahhhh, Adrienne, Kristen, and my sister Jodi's grrl Ali. Weird you've got an Ali, and I've got an Allie. I love it. Anyways Again lined up the shots on the bar, beers were flowing, and I once again got ridiculously stoned. The hangover Saturday was sooooo worth it. Now the third and final bash happens tues at the phunky phish. Looking forward to that too with all my sisters, brothers, and other family type friends showing up. WOOHOO James Dean is back behind the wheel but this rebel boi has a cause. MUCH LOVE TO ALL WHO HAVE MADE THIS YEARS B-DAY SO AMAZING!!! MUAH!

01:18 pm: Another Day
At work today i realized something of great and phenomenal importance...I HATE MY JOB! I've been here 2 weeks and I can't fucking stand it. As soon as I have the $$$ together I am outta here and off this island. On a positive note I had a bizarre but relatively good weekend. I got the first of my birthday dinners (it's on the 15th by the way) I got to smoke, drink and be merry with some of my best friends in the world. I met a grrl from online...although that was actually pretty disappointing unfortunately. No one can replace "The Grrl". I tried really really really hard not to think about her. But I couldn't help it. I felt so disloyal to "The Grrl" after I met the online grrl. This proves I am so not nearly over her.I miss her so much its hard to breathe sometimes...but then I just kind of beat it back into the locked box inside my heart so that I don't have to hurt all day long. But the latch is broken. It won't stay locked. Even though I know I'm dealing with this much better than I was it's hard not to be overwhelmed sometimes by this wave of darkness that hits me at the most random times. My sisters have been amazingly supportive, as well as all my friends. They all tell me I deserve better, that I deserve someone who can understand that sometimes you need to not be just a sub, or grrl, but a g/f too. And to know that when things get tough it's worth it to fight. They all love me, so they dislike her now. But I don't want that. "The Grrl" was someone who got me. Who understood the enormity of what I struggle with every day. I loved her, I still love her. I still feel like it's all my fault. Because it is. "The Grrl" was the one person I finally trusted. For me that was so huge of a step that now i feel like I've fallen off a cliff and I don't know where, or when I'm gonna land. But she can't see me, she can't talk to me. It hurts her too much. And the one thing in the world that I want is for her not to hurt.

I am determined not to allow current circumstances to ruin my birthday. I'm going out this weekend (ALL WEEKEND) and I'm gonna party my butch boi heart out. Here's to the night!

01:10 pm: Well then
Work, work, work. God damn just started a new job and already I'm getting a headache. Have to tear down and rebuild. Not just at my job, but in my life. Can anyone tell me when I'm going to feel good again? My face still hurts though the bruising is almost gone. I thank God I'm a fast healer. X-rays show a couple of cracked ribs...oh well not much I can do about that, and the football sized bruise on my spine has shrunk to baseball size with a greenish halo. So over all I'm physically healing well. My mind however feels like its gonna shoot through the top of my skull. Went to the beach last night and climbed the cliffs at 1 am with no moon to guide me and a million stars in the sky. Saw a shooting star, climbed the cliff to the top (I wouldn't quit til I got there) It was cold, cold but beautiful. And I needed it. I needed that air and that sound of water to soothe my fractured mind. I'm writing a song...got my guitar out at 4 am...I haven't slept since sat. night. My brain won't shut off. I really wish it would. I'm working til late tonight. I'm getting my computer back. I don't really want it back, isn't that funny? 4000 dollars and I could give 2 shits if it got thrown in a dumpster. I have to see her again to get it. I want to but I know it's gonna hurt like hell. I need to see her one more time though. That last glimpse as I turn and walk into the garden to sit on a crate and watch the stars until they disappear in the mist of the morning. Then I'm gonna get on my bike and ride away, I'll look back, I know I will. And I'll always wonder what could have been, and hope that something will be.

06:03 pm: Penn Station, 12 Siblings, and That Damn broken Feeling
Ok so I got jumped in the subway at Penn Station Saturday night. 3 meatheads grabbed me and knocked me around a bit. My face looked like pounded meat. Now its just purple and green. Cops reported it as a mugging. Doesn't matter how many times the word "dyke" was used when it happened. They stole money so it was a mugging right?....Sunday night I got a phone call that changed my life. I'd always known I'd had a surrogate father. Who knew I had 12 other siblings that had always known about me and have been searching fopr me for 24 years? Well I certainly found out. I've met 3 of my sisters, talked to 2 brothers on the phone. And of course the coup de grace...I spoke to my biological father on the phone!! Strange that was. I've met my 3 nephews, they've welcomed me with open arms. I'm half puerto rican. 3 of my siblings are queer, so that makes 4 gay, 5 straight, and 4 bisexuals. Interesting genetics. It's amazing, and something I needed so badly. We should go on Oprah or something. And on top of all this I offered to walk away for a while. She needs that. It hurts. And I'm putting down a cosmic karmic bet on love. Let it all ride on love to win.

Tags: good news and bad news, jumped at penn

12:46 am: Sins, faith, love.
The responsibility can cripple me if I can't see what is before me.
The pain can maim me if I I won't see what she sees when she sees me.
The hurt can overwhelm this shell of spit and glue that is held by a string of mortality and fallibility.
What is it when not an is or it isn't?
Does the promise of a chance hold an inifinite hope inherent?

Or does the hope fade like so much ink under the glazing rays of the sun?

Will I be able to relent on my search for the possibility of parole from a sin that is in itself cardinal?
Will my sin be marked in an eternal book of the damned held alight for all to see what it is when I see me?
Why do I see what I see when I look toward the reflection in the mirror of my own soul?

Does forgiveness hold on to the passing of time or does it erode like a dune in the salt spray of an ocean so vast it stings the eyes?
What do I do when I do what I do if what I do is the force of an outside pressure exerting itself on the core of my own obligation?
Can it be said that my resurrection was illusory at best or fraudulent at worst?
What do you do when you've done what I did, and the consequence tears at you heart and shreds your soul into little strips of confetti thrown about for the world to see?
Should I rub ash in the wound to scar in corporal mortifcation the immense wrong that I executed?

Or should I fight the scars with an antiseptic of no name and no description, a numbing solution comprised of equal parts fear, anticipation, hope, and faith...



I will have faith, I will have hope.

My love allows for no less.

07:18 pm: HaHa oops!
So I went to court today so that I didn't go to jail....sat in the court room for an hour before I realized today is the 3rd....and my courtdate was the 4th!!! Ooops. Now don't I feel like a dumbass!

03:08 pm: So Yeah...
Ok so I deleted my long unused LJ account and made a brand new one...as evidenced here.

Well I'm moving, my ex and soon to be ex roommate is driving me crazy with her sense of fucking entitlement. I mean seriously if you can work you can lift a few pieces of fucking furniture, I don't care how big the nail was that you shot yourself with. GRRR! Trying to find a way back to my apt. but no luck so far and I don't think there will be any to be had. Got less than 3 hours sleep and running on empty.

On a more positive note, I'm seeing my grrl on Sunday to try Ethiopian food in the city with her dad. Hmmm now if only I knew what Ethiopian food consisted of. The only answer I get is that it's spicy. Well I guess that's good enough for me. I met my grrl's father the other night, took a load off my mind that he was a genuinely affable, nice, and highly amusing man. Note to self, find out as many cute and cuddly stories about my grrl's childhood as possible without the look of death becoming a slap upside the head....

I want to get involved with some kind of protest soon...and I do mean soon! I need some kind of outlet for all the anger over the injustice I'm seeing more and more each day. It bothers me that while I never ignored it completely I suppressed so much of what I was seeing into a little box labeled "don't think about this too much." If it wasn't for Sophia making me realize that by not thinking about it I'm aligning myself with the other side by default, I would have continued to be a self serving bastard. Ew. Makes me want to go shower.

Hmmm I'm hungry gotta get eats...will continue...